


Monachopsis

by dorkslayer



Series: logolepsy [2]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Barry is in there too but just for a sec, F/M, Trauma, discussion of past trauma is more accurate, its sad but not rlly bc I can't write sad things, they talk about glamour springs okay?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-07
Updated: 2017-12-07
Packaged: 2019-02-11 22:19:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12945213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dorkslayer/pseuds/dorkslayer
Summary: Monachopsis: the subtle but persistent feeling of being out of placeLup knows something isn't right with her brother and she's going to get to the bottom of it.





	Monachopsis

A decade is a long time to live without a single companion. It's also a long time to go without having an actual conversation with another being. It's hard, now that Lup is out of the umbrastaff, to remember that she has to have interactions to be a normal human being. It's uncomfortable, she's so out of practice it's not even funny. So here she is, living on a fake moon, just as trapped as she was a year ago.

Barry and Taako make it better, or at least they try, but Lup knows that something there is off. Even her interactions with her own family are tainted and Lup absolutely despises it. 

Taako isn't the same now. He was guarded before, sure, but now it's on a whole new level. He doesn't even open up all the way to her, which is just strange. They used to be close, they used to know every detail of each other, and now her own brother feels distant and unknowable.

Barry is better at least. He's sweet and understanding and Lup doesn't know what she did in a past life to deserve him but she's not giving him up. He knows when she needs space and when she needs comfort. When she needs quiet and when she needs conversation.

But even Barry is not unscathed from their years alone. He's more scared now, Lup thinks. He holds he tighter than he used to and keeps her in his line of sight whenever he can. Barry is clingy in a way he wasn't before, like he's afraid Lup will turn to mist if he looks away from her.

Her family is changed, she is changed, but change is supposed to be good isn't it? So why does everything just feel wrong? Taako can't quite meet her eyes these days and she doesn't go anywhere without a Barry shaped shadow now. Something is wrong, and she's going to get to the bottom of it.

\--

Lucretia is the first person she goes to for help, because Lup's not a complete idiot. 

She knows Taako won't come within 50 meters of Lucretia these days, and Barry is out doing spooky reaper training, so Lup knows they'll be left alone.

Lucretia also gives really good advice. She's wizened up a bunch since their days on the starblaster, and it shows. Plus, she knew Taako back when he didn't have his memories, back when he was a different person.

"So," Lup doesn't even consider being subtle. Lucretia will know what she wants wether she says it or not. "You want to tell me what the fuck is up with my brother these days."

Lucretia doesn't even glance up from her desk, even when Lup perches right on the side of it. "You're perfectly aware that Taako won't speak with me anymore."

"Yeah yeah he's a sensitive little dude that's for sure, but I was thinking maybe a little further back. What was he doing back when he didn't have his memories?"

Lucretia stiffened and finally put her pen down to pay full attention to Lup. "What makes you think I would even know that?"

"Please Lucretia, I'm like 1000% sure you kept tabs on them after you sent them out." 

Lucretia stands from her desk and ushers Lup into a comfy armchair and fetches a journal from a massive bookshelf. "What it it that you're looking for exactly?"

"Let me be straight with you Lulu, there's something mad wrong with my brother. He's acting like someone who's been through some very traumatic experiences and I want to know how to help him."

Lucretia looks suddenly very uncomfortable and won't meet Lups eye.

Lup sighs. "Not that I blame you for that okay? You did what you had to do and it turned out just fine in the end. I just want to know what's wrong with my brother."

Lucretia nods a little despondently. "I'm only going to give you details on what I'm sure you already know. I can confirm that.....some things happened, but I think you need to talk to Taako about that." She passed the journal to Lup. "Here's what I have about his early life and the cooking show. It's not everything, I've left out some important events that you need to get firsthand from Taako."

Lup grins at her. "Thanks Lucretia. This is super cool of you."

Lucretia blushes and Lup swears she can see a little sliver of her old friend shining through.

\--

The journal is mostly stuff Lup already knows. It's a ton more detailed than what Taako told her of course, she wouldn't expect anything less from Lucretia. The journal even contains a log of every meal cooked on the show, the crowd numbers, and venues of each event. It's almost disturbingly filled out, and she can't help but think about how lonely Lucretia had to have been during those years.

Sizzle It Up With Taako was doing well when it came to an abrupt end. There's not even an explanation for it in the journal, but Sizzle It Up stops suddenly and thus begins the tale of Taako living on his own.

It's definitely missing something, even Lup can tell that. It goes from a plain old show, to a single page that just says 'refer to volume 2' and picks up again with Taako and no mention of Sizzle It Up ever appears again. It's like Taako's cooking show just fell right off the goddamned moon.

She's frustrated and angry for not being able to tell what the problem is, and she knows just who can help with that. Maybe he can provide some answers while he's at it.

Magnus is lying peacefully under a mountain of dogs when Lup finds him. He's out back of Hammer and Tails taking a little nap with the puppies. It's adorable, and Lup unashamedly stares for a while before she wakes him.

"Sup Lup, come to visit the dogs?" He yawns.

"Nah. I actually had a few questions for you, the dogs are just an added bonus."

Magnus laughs, a great full bodied laugh that shakes a few of the dogs dozing on top of him. "Yeah okay, I'll bite. What do you want to know?"

Lup settles onto the ground beside him. "I want to know about my brother. Did he ever tell you about the time before he started hanging with you guys?"

It's like a light goes dim inside Magnus and he shuts off. His expression is guarded, and it's jarring because Lup has never seen an expression like that on this gentle giants face. 

"I think you might be better off talking to Taako about that." He says softly, sitting up and dislodging a massive German shepherd.

"Yeah I would but like, I'm not Taako's main dude anymore. He doesn't tell me shit about his feelings and it's kinda killing me."

Magnus was visibly upset by this. "Lup... it's a super sensitive topic okay? He hides behind his confident facade but he's really hurting. Maybe him healing some more before you talk to him would be the right choice."

Lup groaned. "Everyone keeps saying it's a sensitive topic! What is 'it'? What is this terrible thing that my brother is so traumatized by, and why won't he tell me?" Her voice broke and Lup tried to hide the fact that tears were gathering in her eyes. "Magnus I just want my brother to trust me."

Magnus gave her a consoling pat on the back. "Look Lup, I don't know the whole story and even if I did, I would want Taako to be the one to tell you."

Lup huffed, hiding her face in Magnus's shoulder. Magnus sighed. "Hey, lets go inside and you can snuggle with a puppy and I'll get you some hot chocolate. You can bitch all about your uncooperative brother to me over a hot sugary drink."

Lup choked out a laugh. "You're a cool dude Magnus."

Magnus smiled. "Don't I know it."

-

Magnus is a bust, that's for sure. She tries to take his advice, she really does, but it just isn't that easy. Taako has up a billion walls, and it's going to take a long time to break them down. So Lup has to pursue other options, and this time she's going the most obvious route.

How she overlooked Angus before is a mystery. However much Taako likes to pretend to hate him, Angus is definitely His Boy. Angus is also an amazing detective and Lup is willing to bet that he knows the truth about Taako's past. 

He's also, like, a whole lot easier to bully than Magnus and Lucretia are.

Angus is where Angus always is, the library. He's got open a huge text that looks super boring but he's definitely enjoying it. In one hand, he's mindlessly twirling a pen over a pad of paper that's completely blank. Whatever he set out to do, he's gotten distracted by the reading. That's hilariously cute in it's own way.

Lup sprawls out in an armchair next to him, trying to take up as much space as possible. He notices her, of course he does, but he doesn't even look up from his book. 

After a moment, Lup decides she's tired of being ignored. "That good huh?"

Angus finally puts down his pen and shuts the book. "It's quite wonderful actually. It's a history of Goldcliff, which isn't nearly as boring as it sounds."

"If the word history is in the title, it's too boring for me." 

Angus smiles a little at that. "Was there something you needed Miss Lup?" He asks politely.

"Well I know you love my baby brother, and I thought maybe you'd like to help me help him." She says.

Angus looks suspicious already. "Help him how? Lup, are you snooping in Taako's private life? Magnus told me you might come by."

Lup groaned. "That little narc." She sat up suddenly, getting super close to Angus's face, "Listen up kiddo. I need some help figuring out why my brother is all messed up these days, and you're the man for the job." Angus opens his mouth to deny it but Lup doesn't let him speak. "Don't even try lying to me, I'm like 90% sure you've got a whole record of all of our lives."

Angus closes him mouth and nods. "I do like to know lots of things, that's true. But this thing that I know about Taako isn't something that I can share. He doesn't even know that I know and I don't think he would like it if he did."

Lup sighs. "Any hints"

Angus at least looks a little guilty for turning Lup down. "It's why he won't cook for anyone and doesn't like it when people eat his food." He hurriedly gathered up his books and papers. "That's all I can really say Lup, but it's important that you talk to Taako, ask him about Glamour Springs if you have to." Then he was gone, scurrying away as quick as his little legs would take him. 

Lup groaned, leaning back all the way in her chair until it was tilted at a dangerous angle. Looks like it's time to pay her sweet baby brother a visit and antagonize the truth out of him if need be.

-

The solution comes to her from something Angus said, about the cooking. If she cooks with Taako then she can see what the deal is first hand, and maybe even open up the avenue to chat some about his obvious trauma.

So she gathers up all the shit they need for chocolate chip cookies, basic and classic as hell. If Taako can't/won't cook these, then she knows something is mad wrong with him.

Her brother is chilling on the couch watching fantasy project runway when Lup finds him. 

"Sup asshole, come make some cookies with me."

Taako looks almost surprised. "Uhhhhh why though?"

"Because we haven't cooked together in forever my dude. I finally got this hot spankin new body and I don't even get to chil with my brother?"

Taako snorted. "Don't be so dramatic Lulu, yeah whatevs I'll cook with you or whatever."

Lup pumped a fist in the air, trying to act as normal as possible. "Bomb. Let's take a one way trip to cookie town."

Angus was right about one thing, Taako was big time out of practice. He was just plain awkward in the kitchen. He'd fumble and forget things, which was so very different from the brother she knew aboard the starblaster. 

The kicker was him almost forgetting the sugar entirely, which was so unlike Taako it was scary.

"Okay so what's the deal?" She finally asked. 

Taako kept on molding the dough into tiny balls. "I have no idea what you're talking about. You damaged Lu?"

"Actually Koko, I think you might be the damaged one." She said casually. "Does this have anything to do with what happened in Glamour Springs?" There it was, all her cards on the table.

It was enough though. Taako's entire body language changed, became closed off and defensive, tensing in anger. He swiveled to glare at Lup, nearly knocking a bowl over in his haste. "Who the fuck told you about that?" He snarled.

"That's really not important. I just want to know what's going on with you."

Taako's face scrunched up in anger. "How about fuck no. What do you know about Glamour Springs?"

"Almost nothing." Lup admitted defensively. "Only that it's why you won't cook and something bad happened there."

"That's more than you should know. Maybe from here on out stay out of my business."

Lup seethed. "That's not the whole story and I know it." Taako turned and began storming out of the kitchen. "You asshole, don't walk away from me. I just want to know why you're so different." 

Taak spun sharply on her, pushing her back a few feet with an open handed shove. "You want to know what's wrong with me? You really want to know? Well Lup, if it'll satisfy your curiosity, I'll just tell you. I killed 40 people in Glamour Springs, okay? Poisoned them and then ran as far as I could. Are you happy? Does knowing make you feel better?"

Lup reeled like she had been struck. She reached out to gently place a hand on Taako's shoulder. "Taako-"

He ripped her hand away. "Don't give me that fucking pity look." Then, he stomped out of the room, slamming the door hard behind him.

Lup stood there stunned for a moment. It took her a minute to realize that tears were trailing down her face. She was snapped out of her trance when the oven beeped to signal it was preheated. She slid the cookies in with probably too much force and then sank to the ground. "Fuck." She whispered. What had she done? What if Taako never wanted to talk to her about it again? It wasn't like she and Taako hadn't ever gotten angry at each other before, but this was the first time it felt so very serious.

"Lup?" 

She looked up to find Barry standing over her, still cloaked in reaper garb. 

"Hey babe."

"Lup what's wrong?" Barry said, kneeling down and cupping her face in his hands.

"I.....me and Taako got in a fight."

Barry sighed. "Do you want to talk about it?" He asked.

Lup shook her head. Barry didn't say anything else, just pulled her close to his chest. After several minutes he leaned down and whispered in her ear.

"It's gonna be alright babe, Taako will come around."

Lup sniffed. She sure hoped that was true.

-

She was chilling on the edge of the moon when Taako found her. With her was a plate of cookies, charmed of course to keep the cookies warm. The world down below was tiny and covered in a late snow. It was breathtakingly beautiful, but Lup couldn't focus on it.

Taako plopped down beside her and didn't say anything, just snatched a cookie off the plate. After a minute, he cleared his throat.

"I'm sorry for yelling at you Lup."

"I'm sorry for not minding my own business."

Taako shrugged. "Nah. It's your business too, besides I should have told you about it by now. Just didn't know how."

"You wanna tell me what happened?" She asked softly. 

Taako nodded. "Yeah, yeah I do. Just.....gimmie a sec."

He was quiet for a long time. Long enough that the sun was beginning to set by the time he spoke. 

"When I was still on the road, I had a stagehand named Sazed. We were buddies, and I actually really liked him. But I was selfish, I didn't want him taking up too much space on my show, and I kinda pushed him away. He got really jealous and wanted to ruin my reputation and maybe even kill me. At our next show he slipped poison into the food, and it killed almost all the people that tried it."

Lup was struck with disbelief. "But Taako, that's not your fault."

Taako not so subtly rubbed his eyes. "Yeah but I didn't know that until June showed me the whole story in Refuge. For years I thought I was responsible for all those deaths. I....I couldn't cook for so long because I thought I'd kill someone." 

Lup was quiet. She didn't know what else to say. Instead, she scooted until they were touching and wrapped her arms around him. He gave a watery little laugh and hugged her close.

Together they watched the sun sink below distant mountains. Night was rapidly approaching, Neverwinter slowly illuminating below them. It was a beautiful sight.

"We're pretty fucked up aren't we?" She asked.

Taako laughed. "We sure are."

They stayed close like that for a long time, content in the knowledge that they were both finally safe.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey look another part of this series! More is on its way soon but I hope you enjoyed this little slice.


End file.
